actually, I'm a sock model
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Randomize
