Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
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