we're blogging at a bar
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
