my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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