Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
