Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
