You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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