You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
