she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Text me some of your sweat
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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