Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
it's like heaven, but drunker
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
