I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I'm bleeding and have questions
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
