seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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