"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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