ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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