so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
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