We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
