WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
