If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
This couple is walking their pig around campus
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