my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
