wanna go halves on a baby?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
