I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
