I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
