Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
