Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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