I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
