Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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