I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
