You're my little dorito
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
