I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
