Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
