Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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