1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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