If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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