the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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