I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
My bed is full of blood and feathers
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
