I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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