It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
