Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Randomize