they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
