he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
