guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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