It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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