so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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