he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Randomize
