I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Randomize