Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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