I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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