"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
