Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
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