This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
lol hangovers are for mortals.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
