Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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