im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
