you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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