you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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