and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize