I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
