Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Randomize
