never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Randomize
