She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
