well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
