Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
